Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
