He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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