I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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