all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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