i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
