I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
