when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
