I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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