Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
