i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
