1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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