dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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