I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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