i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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