You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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