i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
