I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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