Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
