Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
