did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
