I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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