for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Randomize
