She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
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My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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