my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Randomize
