hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I don't deserve a penis
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
