I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
