I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
