I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
