he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
