genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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