just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
