What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He has the fingertips of a God
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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