i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
