I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
