i was born a porn star she said
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
