you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
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I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
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The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
as a side note pls kill me