but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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