you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize