So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
