kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.