I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.