This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
