it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
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Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
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I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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