My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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