All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
