Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
