Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
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He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
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Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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