I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
