bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
