I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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