you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Another day, another engagement, another cat
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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