At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
