you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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