he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
