This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
