There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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